Today I choose death that there might be life.

Scientific theory says it takes 28 days to break a bad habit. Perhaps, it takes 40 days to break a bad habit and then replace it with God. The significant time devoted to just being with the Lord changes people. It changed Moses and it has changed me. I am not the same person I was 40 days ago. Aside from losing 20 pounds officially (I didn't weight myself the first week so I am guess I lost another five pounds in the beginning) and lots of inches, I feel really good inside and out! I think I could probably fit into a smaller clothing size but I don't plan on shopping until next summer - back to school clothes will be my motivation and my time for celebration.  I have also lost my appetite for my food addiction. The way I think about and look at food has changed tremendously, in a way that I never knew could happen. I just don't plain think about food as much as I used to. Not a meal would go by that I wasn't thinking about the next thing I could stuff in my mouth. I really don't find myself stuck in that mindset any longer. I still think about Reese peanut butter cups and pizza every once in a great while, but I know that someday I can have my own healthier versions of those things from time to time. I also find myself eating smaller portions and sometimes actually leaving food left on my plate after a meal. I feel freedom knowing I get to choose to take back control in my relationship with food. I still have emotional cravings at times and I have found myself eating just to eat once in awhile, but I am still choosing the better things to eat. God isn't done with me yet. We've got a lot more work to do but this time it isn't just another fad diet or extreme weight loss challenge. This time God changed me within and now we are working on the outside. I'm also thankful for the friends and family who are also choosing to change because I never feel alone in this journey. Just as I enjoy raising my baby girl alongside the people I love most, I am also privileged to become a healthier version of myself next to them as well. Now that I've updated you on my personal results, let's finish up this wonderful, difficult book of the Bible. Please open your Bible and read Deuteronomy 34 or just click here.

This chapter describes the death of Moses. So much in this short chapter pulls at my heart. God took Him up to the mountain once more. He showed Him the land He was giving to His people. The Lord actually buried Moses when he died. He had not lost his sight and was still strong when He died. Perhaps my favorite verses were the following:

"Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the Lord knew face to face, who did all those signs and wonders the Lord sent him to do in Egypt—to Pharaoh and to all his officials and to his whole land. For no one has ever shown the mighty power or performed the awesome deeds that Moses did in the sight of all Israel."(v.10-12)

What a man. He wasn't perfect but God used him in spite of all his weaknesses and mistakes. God raised him up and made him powerful in the sight of his people. He was just one man who God chose to do incredible things in and through. I cried when I read about Moses's death. It's so sad that he never got to cross over into the promised land but he did get to see it. What's more, if it hadn't been for Moses, perhaps none of the Israelites would have ever gotten to enter the promised land. Sometimes we may not always reap the full harvest but were very instrumental in the sowing. Let's not forget more importantly, he was rewarded with the presence of God. He knew Him face to face on earth and then was escorted into eternity to live face to face with Him in Heaven. He crossed over to a different promised land.

I believe I will enter my own promised land. I have faith that as I complete this 40th day of blogging, I will begin to cross over. It will be a long walk to finally get there, but I know that's where I am going. It is always possible that, like Moses, I may not reach it here on Earth. Perhaps, I will just be instrumental in securing it for others. If only my future descendants are changed because I chose to change my eating habits, I will be thankful. However, I don't believe that's it for me though. God told Moses he wasn't entering. I believe God told me that I am. I will persevere. I will continue to walk. I will continue to fight. I will NOW CHOOSE LIFE because I have trusted God to help me fight this battle.

Moses's death ushered the Israelites into their new lives in Canaan. He died and passed on the torch to young Joshua to lead. Sometimes it takes death to find life. Perhaps, sometimes we must choose death in order to choose life. I had to choose to die to self so that God could do a work in me. I had to let go to find freedom.  I had to lay down the old ways in order to better learn new ways. Death has brought me to a deeper life in Christ. This time it includes living life more abundantly in body, mind, heart and spirit.

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it." (Mark 8:34-45)

Let us not not forget the most important story of death bringing forth life. As we enter Holy week take a moment to remember what Jesus accomplished on the cross for each of us. His death and resurrection brought new life to all who believe.

In John 12:23-24 is says, "Jesus replied, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." 

The way to find new life is through death. I believe that just as we find new life in Christ through His death and resurrection, we can also experience little glimpses of new life in Christ through dying to self. If we can learn to crucify our own flesh and earthly desires, we will become less and He will become more. The more we see Him, the more we can become like Him. The more we become like Him, the more we bring glory to Him through our lives. Not only will I be changed through my own "death" but perhaps I can change the world around me a little bit more each day.  My prayer is that I can be a simple light in the world like Jesus, Moses and so many others who learned how to listen to God's voice and walk in His ways. I know I can never compare to their greatness but I don't want to either. I just want to be the best Leah Turner that I can be and fulfill the purpose God has planned for my life. Today I choose death that there might be life.

Thank you for joining me along for this ride. I have treasured every kind word, testimony and encouragement. As I said yesterday, we must now keep walking. We each have a destiny. Let's continue walking in His ways together. I will probably pop back in from time to time to share what God is doing in my new life. Please continue to share with me what God is doing in your life, as well. I am believing big things from God because He is a big God.

Father, thank you doesn't seem enough. There are no words to describe the gratitude I have for You and your ability to never give up on me. This has been one lifelong battle but finally, I am experiencing breakthrough. Finally, I am living in the freedom You have been offering to me for years. I need You even more now. This blog has been a way to work in and through me. I need You to continue to challenge and encourage me even when I am not writing a daily reflection from Your Word. I pray You will help each of us continue to step out into the great destiny You have planned for our lives. Forgive us for the moments we were not walking in step with you in the past and give us strength as we earn to choose to death that there might be life. We love You, Lord. Amen.

Now Choose Life.

Today I choose to accept God's love.

Last night while I was writing my post, Paul asked me if I wanted to work on my last two entries today while he was at work and Lydia was napping. It just reminded me that I haven't been the only one to sacrifice my time during this 40 days. Paul has been very supportive and I am so thankful to have such a wonderful, encouraging husband. The road we travel is not often alone. God gives us people along the way that not only help shape us into the men and women become, but who also help us to better glorify God.  God gave Moses a heart for the twelve tribes of Israel and even after all they had done, Moses still blessed them before God as His very final testament. They were a part of his story - a very large part. Through the ups and downs, God used Moses to reach His people and the Israelites helped make Moses into a mighty leader and passionate man of God. Please read Deuteronomy 33 or just click here.

This chapter reflects all of the blessings that Moses wanted to speak over each tribe and family. A blessing is an act or words that show approval which allows or helps you to do something. Today, I felt the need to pray a blessing over anyone who has been reading this blog with the hope that you will be reminded of who you are in Christ. These are not my words but words from God through scripture. This blessing is written like a letter to God's children. I found this years ago. I pray you will feel encouraged knowing how much the Father loves you today and always.

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. 
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. 
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. 
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. 
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. 
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. 
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. 
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. 
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. 
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. 
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. 
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. 
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. 
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. 
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. 
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. 
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. 
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. 
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.
Psalm 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. 
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. 
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. 
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. 
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. 
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me. 
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. 
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. 
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. 
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles. 
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you. 
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. 
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. 
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. 
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. 
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. 
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you. 
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. 
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me. 
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child? 
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. 
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad Almighty God

Amen.

Now Choose Life.

Today I choose to keep walking.

Why is it that that the closer I get to my 40th day of blogging, the harder it is to follow through? I have a lot on my mind tonight and I feel like the weekend is already over and it is only just beginning. I'm trying so hard to not let my heart be overwhelmed. I don't know how I am going to get everything done that I need to do AND enjoy my time with family and friends. I wonder if that is how Moses also felt at the point in which he was sharing the song we read in this chapter. Please open your Bible and read Deuteronomy 32 or just click here.

This song is Moses's final words to the people. I imagine him trying to wrap that idea around his head before reciting his final message. There must have been so many feelings he was experiencing in those moments as he stepped up in front of them and began to speak. It probably was very difficult to realize that he was passing the baton and his work was done. Of course, I also believe God had to be giving him peace in those very moments as well.

I'm a little nervous. I feel like this blog has helped me in so many ways. I have been able to stay committed to the Lord, express my thoughts and feelings and use this outlet as a way to grow in my understanding of becoming a healthier person. I have a long road ahead of me but I know I can do this. I feel like this is a sort of passing of the baton here as well, as I mention the fact that I know you can do this too. If you have followed me along regularly or have only caught a post here or there, I believe God was speaking to you about something. Don't let those words from Him fade away just because my 40 day challenge is over. Yours is just beginning. Believe for whatever it is that God has spoken over your life and into your heart. You can do this. We can do this.

"When Moses finished reciting all these words to all Israel, he said to them, “Take to heart all the words I have solemnly declared to you this day, so that you may command your children to obey carefully all the words of this law. They are not just idle words for you—they are your life. By them you will live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to possess.” (v.45-47)

I am in no way, shape or form, Moses. However, I know that the Lord has used me as a vessel to speak words that He wants you to take to heart. These have not been idle words either. I pray they have prompted you to reexamine your life and consider any area that you might need to hand over to the Lord. I urge you, to allow my imperfect, messed up testimony to spur you on in love. God has begun a work in me, but He has begun a work in you too.

As we draw to a close, think about the verse or challenge that has spoken deepest to your heart. Ask God today to help you walk through whatever you're going through or struggling with. Ask Him to reveal the next step He has for you. I mean, if He was willing to tell Moses he was about to die, he should be willing to lead us into the next steps we're supposed to take, right? My next step is to just keep walking. I am going to continue to eat whole 30 until I have lost 40 pounds. Once I do this, I believe I can fall back into the Paleo lifestyle a little more, which is still a very clean and natural way of eating only with a few less rules. That's what I have been hearing. What about you?

Father, thank you for your guidance through this entire process. I am so thankful that you have continued to walk with me day by day. That's what I realize I need to do when struggling with something as big as addiction. I need to take it day by day. You have been so faithful though. I know that little by little, you are molding me into the woman you planned me to be and I am so grateful. Help us continue to be transformed by Your grace. Amen.

Now Choose Life.

Today I choose to be courageous.

I really enjoyed the beautiful day we had today! So much so,  that when I grumbled about having to finally do my blog so late at night Paul asked me if I was really going to quit. Well, of course not. However, the content of this chapter is quite ironic after thinking back to this little conversation I just had with my wonderful supporter and encourager (who is only a few pounds away from reaching a few of his own weight loss goals). Please open your Bible and read Deuteronomy 31 or just click here.

This chapter is a big bummer. Just so you know, I made a lot of classic "bummer" groans while reading. And what was the first thing I said to Paul after reading this chapter all about how Moses is about to die and God tells him that the people are about to cross into the promised land and then start bowing down to other gods again. I'm sure that's not exactly the kind of thing Moses wanted to hear on his deathbed. And honestly, it's not exactly the kind of thing I want to hear right before I cross over into my own proverbial promised land.

And the Lord said to Moses, “You are going to rest with your ancestors, and these people will soon prostitute themselves to the foreign gods of the land they are entering. They will forsake me and break the covenant I made with them." (v.16)

This is so disappointing. I mean, I guess I know this is what always ends up happening. God does everything He can to show His people how much He loves them and will provide for them and the next thing you know, they're turning around and running to other loves. This didn't just happen in the Bible. It's real life to day. This is the cycle we constantly find ourselves in.This is the truth that is blaring me in the face right now. I don't know why today's reading shocked me so much. Maybe because this time it's been really personal. I have been following along with this story for the last few weeks so indepthly and it's sad to realize that it ends with such disobedience and destruction. After all that, they still turn away from God. But this is exactly what we are capable of. And this, just as Paul tried to encourage me, is exactly why Jesus entered the picture.

The bad news is that all I could think about was,"Leah, you're going to cross into your promised land and then you're going to start bowing down to other gods again."

The good news is that all I could think about was, "Leah, you're going to cross into your promised land and then you're going to start bowing down to other gods again."

In Matthew 26:54 Jesus says, "But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?”

Yes, God is pointing out to Moses that the people are going to screw it up again and again. Like always. But in doing this, He is also pointing out the need for someone to intervene. I kind of feel like He is introducing Jesus. The only way that the law is fulfilled is through the blood of the Lamb of God.

So...I can dwell on the fact that I have the potential to screw things up royally or I can dwell on the fact that God made a way for us to find redemption even when we get off track. Jesus. If I can stay connected to Him, He will help me in my time of need, whether that means in moments of temptation or moments of guilt after giving into temptation. Whatever our struggles are, He is there to walk with us through them. He defeated death on the cross. He has the power to defeat the smallest or the biggest of struggles - we just have to stay plugged into Him so that we can access that mighty power.

"...we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."(Romans 8:37)

Today, I will cling to this truth and believe that I am transformed. I am confident that I have finally found freedom from this stronghold of food addiction. I am experiencing breakthrough only because I am relying on Him to receive it. Do you believe this for yourself? Are you able to trust that the work God has begun in you is not finished? Have you the faith to believe that you are more than enough, through Christ who gives you strength? Don't let this chapter bum you out, like it did me, at first. Instead, let this chapter be a reminder that God made a way through His Son because He loved us. Evidently, to Him, we were worth it. We are worth it. The truth is, I'm bound to make mistakes. It's in my DNA. But I don't have to let those mistakes control my life any longer. Even if I end up facing some shadows of my old self again, I will not fear, for He is with me. This chapter is covered with reminders to not be discouraged or afraid.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (v.6)

This is the beautiful reminder that Moses leaves with the Israelites and with Joshua. This is the beautiful reminder that we must cling to all the days of our lives.

Father, thank you for making a way where there seemed to be no way. I am never good enough on my own. I know that it is Christ who makes me more than a conqueror. Help me continue to stay plugged into the power source which is Jesus. Let me surrender my own ways and choose His. Please give me the courageous to walk boldly into my destiny. I confess I know I will make mistakes along the way which is why I desperately need you. Thank you for purifying me and giving me the strength to do all things through You! I love you, Lord! Amen.

Now Choose Life.

Today I choose to change.

Time to pack up! If you have been reading these past few posts you know that we have spent quite a few days camped in Deuteronomy 30, but now it is time to wrap this book of the Bible up. We only have a few more chapters to go. No matter the reason, if you have joined me on this journey, this is not the end. I believe that as this book of the law draws to a close, we will begin to walk into much more freedom than any of us have ever experienced and it is only beginning. I know I have a tendency to be melodramatic. I know I also tend to speak very passionately about whatever God is burning on my heart. Here's the thing though - God's Word is true. If you have been reading with expectancy for change, let's believe it is coming. We chose to seek Him and He showed up. We chose to listen and He spoke. We chose change and He started in our hearts. As these 40 days begin to dwindle, may we be encouraged by Philippians 1:6 that says that we can be "confident that He who began a good work in each of us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Now let's dive into Deuteronomy 30:15-20 or just click here.

1. You have two options.

"See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess." 

The Israelites knew where they were coming from. They heard the stories of their ancestors being enslaved in Egypt. They knew of the trials in the desert. They also knew that God was their Deliverer and Sustainer. They also knew that without God , they were destined to be destroyed. They could choose life and prosperity or death and destruction.

2. Choose death.

"But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess." 

The Israelites had disobedient hearts in their heritage. They could have very easily follow in the footsteps of their parents and their parents' parents'. All they had to do was let their hearts turn away from God. Here we see the importance of the heart. If their love grew cold for the Lord, their heart could easily turn away from the one God and turn toward other gods. They had to protect their hearts to protect their lives.

3. Choose life.

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob." 

The Israelites had a choice to make. Here we see the call to action:NOW CHOOSE LIFE. Is there really any better option? God's people have to choose to trust and obey so that they will accept the gift and inheritance He is holding out before them. The land is there for the taking. The blessings are there to receive. They just have to maek the right choice.

When we consider both scenarios personally, let us imagine which we would rather like to see become a reality in our own lives. Our heart turns away, we become disobedient, and we are drawn to bow down and worship other gods. We love the Lord, listen to His voice and hold fast to Him. I believe it a choice we must make. Will we choose life or choose death?

Long ago, I chose God but I didn't choose to walk in ALL His ways. I found myself on a road that led to death and destruction. I was not concerned with this temple He had given me and I was bowing down to other gods, namely food. My addiction is not an uncommon one. There are many of us who struggle, if not with food, something else. We just think it's too hard to change. We think it's too hard to choose. I chose to accept this 40 day challenge and God changed my mind. I made a choice in the right direction and He helped me take the steps I needed to take in order to change. This process has only begun but I can confidently say that the transformation has already been happening from the inside out. Now, I know I can choose life and God will help me fight the battles I need to fight. I realize it is so much easier said than done. I teeter tottered for my entire life. Like I said, I chose God but I wasn't choosing His blessings. I chose God but I wasn't walking in the ways that led to life abundant with Him on Earth AND in heaven. Now, I choose life.

Father, thank you for helping me change. Thank you for giving me the desire to choose You so that You could help me make decisions that lead to change. I want to be leave the old ways behind me. I want to live apart from my sin and addictions. I lay the old self at Your feet and humbly ask that You will continue to change me. Thank you for the transformation that has already begun. Give me the perseverance to press on and live more abundantly that  ever imagined possible. I love You. Amen.

Now Choose Life.

Today I choose the process.

I am such a "product person". I have always enjoyed the end result over the process. Perhaps, this could be attributed to my lack of patience, or possibly, my competitive nature. Whatever the reason, I am all about the finish line. This is kind of sad because I know that there are so many incredible benefits from the process that I have a habit of ignoring. I have a tendency to miss things along the way because I want to travel at such a fast pace. I don't always appreciate the little blessings, I seldom learn from the lessons and I lose out on the part in life where we do the living. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to Lydia, I can easily sit back and enjoy the ride. I take in every new thought and activity. I appreciate the large stretch of time between each stage. I treasure the moments. Why can't I learn to love the process of times of refinement as much as my times with my daughter?

There has been one song running through my head the last few days. I don't even remember where I learned it, but I know it follows me back to my childhood.

Little by little, inch by inch, 
by the yard it's hard, by the inch what a cinch, 
never stare up the stairs just step up the steps,
little by little, inch by inch.

These simple words have spoken so much to me at different times in my life. Currently, they speak to me about the physical transformation I am working toward for but also to the emotional change I am praying for during this process with the Lord. The road I am on is long. I anticipate great things from this process but I can't help but sometimes wonder how I will ever make it to through.

"Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach. It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, “Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?” Nor is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, “Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?” No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it."(v.11-14)

If I can believe everything else God's Word days, I can surely believe this. I realize these were words for the Israelites first. God wanted them to have confidence and to believe they were capable. He wanted them to see their strength through Him. He wanted them to stick it out until the end. There was a finish line. God had a promised land He was taking them to. He knew there were going to make it. He also knew that were going to mess up along the way but He kept pushing for them to persevere. The Word was very near to them - the Word, being Christ, just as it is said in John 1:1, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God and the Word was with God..."I believe the above verses are also referring to the Shema which we have previously focused on in Deuteronomy 6:  "Hear O Israel, the Lord Your God is One." God had made a covenant with them. Remember, "The Lord Your God, will circumcize your hearts and the hearts of your descendants so you will love Him with all your heart and soul, and will live." (v.6)

I must pause a moment a point out that there is a finish line for us all, actually. Someday, we will be presented with the ultimate fork in the road. The direction we go will not be based upon anything we've done to earn that road, but purely on what one Man did long ago on a cross at Calvary. We will breathe our last breath and enter eternity forever in the presence of God in Heaven, or we will banish ourselves into an existence that no human mind can comprehend, separated from God forever because we didn't believe. Life on Earth is the process that we live out as draw our own conclusions about what we believe. If we fast forward to get to the end result, we miss out on the life God planned for us that falls between our birth and death. This is another example of how I am thankful for the process. I feel so blessed to get to be a part of everything God is doing here in this world. It can be difficult at times, but it's also so beautiful. To give up the process would mean to give up the joy of being changed by the power of the Living God. He is at work in each of us and we have the incredible privilege of being transformed both in an eternal and earthly way.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." (II Corinthians 4:7-9)

Just as my time with Lydia and my salvation through Christ are incredible blessings from God,  the process of whatever is being transformed in my life is also a gift; a magnificent, glorious gift that has the potential to mold me into the woman that God desires me to be. I will embrace the process, little by little and bit by bit, for as long as the road may lead me, because the reality is that all these roads eventually lead to my road to Heaven. There is so much living to do along the way that I don't want to miss a moment. 

Father, thank you for the process, no matter how hard it may sometimes be. I'm so grateful that you are refining me through this time that is sometimes very difficult. I know that You are fighting for me and walking by my side, but I need reminders along the way too. Give me the strength to persevere and embrace the present as the gift it can be, no matter what hardships or struggles I find along the way, no matter how long the road may seem, no matter how tempting focusing on the end result feels. Thank You for your word that tells me that this is not too difficult or beyond my reach. I believe You. I trust You. I will follow You through each and every process. I love you, Lord. Amen.

Now Choose Life.

Today I choose to be thankful.

I should preface this with the fact that this is not a cry for help. I don't need you to call me or send me cards. I will never turn down prayer, but you don't even need to do that for me if you don't have the time. I just needed to continue to be honest. I'm so overwhelmed. We've realized some new struggles the last few days and all I can do is think about these struggles. Honestly, it's been so hard to focus on the blog. I just feel frozen. Our trials are nothing compared to what other people are going through but they're big to us. It will humble us and bring us to our knees. It will draw us closer to  God. It will make us stronger. The Lord has already been making me stronger through Him these last few weeks. I wasn't anticipating more on my plate already but I guess we don't always get to choose what we want to order. Sometimes, His plan is bigger and better and I will trust Him for this. When I wipe away my tears and step back out of the situation, I see that facing this giant will also truly will make us stronger in Him. It will require more faith, work and perseverance, but with God, all things are possible. As I write these words, I am reminded of a friend's blog that I read just last night or this morning. She said that all of her blog posts have been positive but now she is dealing with some of her own struggles. She decided to list everything she is thankful for rather than dwelling on the tough stuff. What a timely post for me to read! I'm so thankful God brought her to mind while I began to write tonight.

I need to focus on one of my Mom's favorite verses right now:

"Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances - this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thessalonians 5:16-18

I am not feel happy right now, but the joy of the Lord can be my strength.
I am not know what to do but I can keep talking to the Lord until I know what to do.
I may not like my current circumstances, but I can thank God for the wonderful works He plans to do through them.

For once, I actually began this post with the title, which usually only comes after I write the entry. I typed,  "Today I choose to be sad" but now I am realizing that I don't want to choose to be sad. I know it's okay to be sad. I am completely aware that God is totally okay with me being bummed out right now. All I want to do is curl up in bed and eat (I will admit I did some emotional eating last night in bed. Purposefully. It was whole 30 approved but it was a rule breaker for myself.) and cry and sleep. However, I must not forget all of the things I have chosen to be and do over the last thirty plus days. I have believed for more. I have challenged, encouraged, and taught myself so many things through the direction of the Holy Spirit. All along, the Lord was just preparing me for this next little bump in the road. He was building me up knowing full well that I am capable of crumbling, yet because of the great work He has been doing in me,  I will stand strong. I may have chosen poorly a few steps along the way today because I was letting my emotions get the better of me. I didn't go to Bible study tonight. I stayed home and spent time with Lydia. After she went to bed, I cried. I talked to God a little but ended up talking to other people too. I think I need to call it a night and go spend some more time talking things over with the Lord. He will remind me of all the lovely truths He has been revealing to me during this season of getting healthy. I will choose not to stay in my sadness, but to be thankful for all the amazing things God has been doing.

Psalm 46 is on my heart tonight...

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.^[c]

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

⁷ The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

⁸ Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields^[d] with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

¹¹ The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Father, tonight I pray that You will allow me to just be still and KNOW that You are God. Let me just trust you in this new struggle, as I trust you in every other area of my life. I submit my fears, my anxieties, my sadness, my worries, my frustrations, my heart, and my life to You. Thank you for preparing me in these past weeks so that I am able to walk in confidence, knowing full well that You are fighting for me. Thank you that though the earth gives way, I do not have to fear. Thank you for being with me in this time and for building me up with Your sweet Words of love and kindness. Amen.

Now Choose Life.